Here are some interesting email chain-mails or other Internet flotsam that make for interesting reading. These posts are not my creations, clearly. Where possible, I acknowledge their source. These pieces are posted in good faith, assuming that they are in the public domain. If you are the author any of these pieces, or suspect any copyright violation, please raise it in a comment and I will be happy to fix it.
When it comes to business development, branding etc., you have to look for discontinuities, think outside the box, and not be constrained by conventionality, geometry, optics etc.
Draw seven perpendicular red lines using transparent green ink. Using non-linear thinking process.
The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has been accepted a five year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).
In the first year, “s” will be used instead of the soft “c”. Sertainly, sivil servants will reseive this news with joy. Also, the hard “c” will be replaced with “k”. Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome “ph” will be replased by “f”. This will make words like “fotograf” 20 persent shorter. In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expected to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent “e”s in the language is disgrasful, and they would go.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” by “z” and “w” by “v”. During ze fifz year, ze unesesary “0” kan be dropd from vords kontaining “ou”, and similar changes vud, of kors, be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German lik zey vunted in ze forst plas…
This crazy language, English, is the most widely used language in the history of our planet. One in every seven humans can speak it. More than half of the world’s books and three quarters of international mail is in English. Of all the languages, it has the largest vocabulary perhaps as many as two MILLION words. Nonetheless, let’s face it, English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth beeth? One goose, two geese. So one moose, two meese?
Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb thru annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn’t preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?
Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who are spring chickens or who would actually hurt a fly?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn’t a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.
[Unknown source]
Bush has just left the building. Perhaps the world will be a kinder, gentler place now. But it will certainly be a less funny place. For life is stranger than fiction, and Bush was funnier than any stand-up comedian. Jon Stewart is going to miss him. So will I.
“They misunderestimated me.”
Bentonville, Arkansas, 6 November, 2000
“I know what I believe. I will continue to articulate what I believe and what I believe – I believe what I believe is right.”
Rome, 22 July, 2001
“There’s an old saying in Tennessee – I know it’s in Texas, probably in Tennessee – that says, fool me once, shame on… shame on you. Fool me – you can’t get fooled again.”
Nashville, Tennessee, 17 September, 2002
“There’s no question that the minute I got elected, the storm clouds on the horizon were getting nearly directly overhead.”
Washington DC, 11 May, 2001
“I want to thank my friend, Senator Bill Frist, for joining us today. He married a Texas girl, I want you to know. Karyn is with us. A West Texas girl, just like me.”
Nashville, Tennessee, 27 May, 2004
“For a century and a half now, America and Japan have formed one of the great and enduring alliances of modern times.”
Tokyo, 18 February, 2002
“The war on terror involves Saddam Hussein because of the nature of Saddam Hussein, the history of Saddam Hussein, and his willingness to terrorise himself.”
Grand Rapids, Michigan, 29 January, 2003
“Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.”
Washington DC, 5 August, 2004
“I think war is a dangerous place.”
Washington DC, 7 May, 2003
“The ambassador and the general were briefing me on the – the vast majority of Iraqis want to live in a peaceful, free world. And we will find these people and we will bring them to justice.”
Washington DC, 27 October, 2003
“Free societies are hopeful societies. And free societies will be allies against these hateful few who have no conscience, who kill at the whim of a hat.”
Washington DC, 17 September, 2004
“You know, one of the hardest parts of my job is to connect Iraq to the war on terror.”
CBS News, Washington DC, 6 September, 2006
“Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?”
Florence, South Carolina, 11 January, 2000
“Reading is the basics for all learning.”
Reston, Virginia, 28 March, 2000
“As governor of Texas, I have set high standards for our public schools, and I have met those standards.”
CNN, 30 August, 2000
“You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.”
Townsend, Tennessee, 21 February, 2001
“I understand small business growth. I was one.”
New York Daily News, 19 February, 2000
“It’s clearly a budget. It’s got a lot of numbers in it.”
Reuters, 5 May, 2000
“I do remain confident in Linda. She’ll make a fine Labour Secretary. From what I’ve read in the press accounts, she’s perfectly qualified.”
Austin, Texas, 8 January, 2001
“First, let me make it very clear, poor people aren’t necessarily killers. Just because you happen to be not rich doesn’t mean you’re willing to kill.”
Washington DC, 19 May, 2003
“I don’t think we need to be subliminable about the differences between our views on prescription drugs.”
Orlando, Florida, 12 September, 2000
“Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB/GYN’s aren’t able to practice their love with women all across the country.”
Poplar Bluff, Missouri, 6 September, 2004
“Will the highways on the internet become more few?”
Concord, New Hampshire, 29 January, 2000
“It would be a mistake for the United States Senate to allow any kind of human cloning to come out of that chamber.”
Washington DC, 10 April, 2002
“Information is moving. You know, nightly news is one way, of course, but it’s also moving through the blogosphere and through the Internets.”
Washington DC, 2 May, 2007
“I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully.”
Saginaw, Michigan, 29 September, 2000
“Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream.”
LaCrosse, Wisconsin, 18 October, 2000
“Those who enter the country illegally violate the law.”
Tucson, Arizona, 28 November, 2005
“That’s George Washington, the first president, of course. The interesting thing about him is that I read three – three or four books about him last year. Isn’t that interesting?”
Speaking to reporter Kai Diekmann, Washington DC, 5 May, 2006
“I have a different vision of leadership. A leadership is someone who brings people together.”
Bartlett, Tennessee, 18 August, 2000
“I’m the decider, and I decide what is best.”
Washington DC, 18 April, 2006
“And truth of the matter is, a lot of reports in Washington are never read by anybody. To show you how important this one is, I read it, and [Tony Blair] read it.”
On the publication of the Baker-Hamilton Report, Washington DC, 7 December, 2006
“All I can tell you is when the governor calls, I answer his phone.”
San Diego, California, 25 October, 2007
“I’ll be long gone before some smart person ever figures out what happened inside this Oval Office.”
Washington DC, 12 May, 2008
I have been doing a bit of geeky stuff lately — writing WordPress plugins. Okay, it is because I’m suffering from a terrible writer’s block.
You see, I’m supposed to be working on my next book. I foolishly promised a couple of chapters of The Principles of Quantitative Development to my commissioning editor at John Wiley & Sons within a month; now I find myself writing everything other than those darned chapters! Including plugins. Coming to think of it, writing those chapters wouldn’t be any less geeky, would it?
That made me wonder… We all started off as geeks, didn’t we? No use denying it. Remember how our teachers loved us, and the sexy cheerleaders, well, didn’t? Later in life, due to exigencies of circumstances, we may have tried to lose our techie halo and simulate a managerial posture. But, in our moments of panic, we go back to our geek roots. At least, I do.
You think you don’t? Well, check out these geek jokes. If you find them funny, chances are your roots are not too different from mine.
Heisenberg was driving down the highway when he was pulled over for speeding. The officer says, “Do you know how fast you were going?” Heisenberg says, “No, but I do know where I am!”
Two Hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, “I’ve lost my electron!” The other says, “Are you sure?” The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive…”
Geek Pickup Lines:
What Makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life? Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z are represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
then H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K = 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E = 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
but A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E = 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
and B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T = 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
but look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G = 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it’s the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.
This one is a hilarious piece I found on the Web. If you really like it, you have to wonder — am I still doing too much techie stuff and too little management?
Ever been in a mind-numbing meeting with some MBA-type spewing forth a sequence of buzzwords he read on the back of a Business Careers for Dummies book? Print this out and when you get 7 horizontal, vertical or diagonal, shout BINGO!
| Synergy | Offline | Strategic Fit | Interface | Gap Analysis | Best Practice | The Bottom Line |
| Core Business | Going Forward | Touch Base | Revisit | Game Plan | Learning Curve | Revert Urgently |
| Out of the Loop | Go the Extra Mile | Benchmark | The Big Picture | Value Added | Movers and Shakers | Ballpark |
| Proactive, not Reactive | Win-Win Situation | Think Outside the Box | Fast Track | Results Driven | Empowerment | Define and Sign Off |
| Partner Led | Business Case | Change Management | At the End of the Day | Local Feedback | Ticks in the Boxes | Mindset |
| Knock-On Effect | Put this to Bed | Client-Focused | Quality Driven | Move the Goal Posts | Process Improvement | Bandwidth |
| Facilitate | Knowledge Base | Downsize | Rocket Science | Skill Set | Customer Focused | Ramp Up |
(This joke was found at the Email Flotsam page at Mike’s World)
Okay, they say this “Mensa Invitational” by the Washington Post is just as fictional as these words. But these words — man, are they funny!
Here is the Washington Post’s Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
2006 winners are:
Here is a hilarious one I got through email:
Here’s an IQ question to help you decide how you should spend the rest of your day…
A person who can’t speak wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one’s teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper, and the purchase is done.
Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?
Think about it first. Don’t give up too soon, or you will regret it!
It is one of the many conspiracy theories — that the moon landing never really took place. How could the flag flutter? The pictures — were they really taken on the moon, or in a studio in Navada?
Here is a different theory. A little known fact. The photo wasn’t totally fake. It is just that NASA showed only half the picture. Check this out:
Look at the shadows below .
Have you ever noticed them before ?
Click here (or on the image) to see the whole picture!
